I hadn’t visited Buzzwhack.com in a while — a serious sin of omission for any wildly hip, totally “with it” dude like myself.

If you haven’t visited, Buzzwhack catalogs the pretentious new buzzphrases and words invented to impress the less-connected among us. It’s big fun, and a great way to spend time that you might otherwise waste generating revenue.

My favorite buzzword of 2007? Narcissurfing

Narcissurfing: Spending a lot of time on the Internet to see how often your name appears and what others are saying about you. Its another way of saying ‘Googling yourself,’ although a narcissurfer does it on a daily basis.

Normally I’d include a long list of other favorite buzzphrases, but between narcissurfing and zerotasking, I’m too bandwidth limited. You Grok, right?

Still — because I care for my readers like little tiny virtual members of my own family, I’ve mined a few other favorites. Enjoy!

wikiality: User-created reality — where something becomes “true” if you can get enough people to believe it. Thanks to the growing number of wiki sites, such as Wikipedia.

Below Zeros: This is a marketing term, not a temperature. They’re customers who cost more to serve than they return in value. Example: A customer who ties up a salesperson for 45 minutes while trying on 14 pairs of Gucci shoes, then buys a six-pack of tube socks for $1.98, complains about the price and walks out. Also known as BZs.

spaghetti marketing: To spend marketing dollars randomly without a clear plan, much like throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it sticks.

hypertasking: While we’re frequently forced to multitask just to keep up at work, hypertasking is a choice for those who thrive on doing more than one thing at a time. A hypertasker combines many tasks into one in order to experience more. He may exercise, play tourist and conduct business at the same time by riding his bike through the Blue Ridge Mountains while running a business meeting via his wireless headset.

phenomeniche: A marketing phenomenon that appeals to a small niche. Example: Trading Spaces, the TV series. While not a sweeping global phenomenon, it is the undisputed titan of one modest patch of pop-culture.

photox: The process of digitally removing wrinkles and blemishes from a photograph of one’s face by using Adobe Photoshop or other image manipulation software.

Barneyware: The purple dinosaur may have faded from the scene, but his legacy lives on. Barneyware is anything that has little or no substance. Example: A joint press release by two companies that have nothing new to announce, but in order to generate media attention declare their mutual admiration for each other. In effect, the release says nothing more than “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family.”

reverbiagized: To reword a concept or proposal with the hope of changing the minds of the people who didn’t like it the first time around. “It’s the same ad campaign, but we reverbiagized it.”

What About 2008?

Isn’t it time we all spontaneously created a new buzzphrase — searching for our 15 minutes of Internet fame? Of course it is! That’s why — right now — I’m introducing the concept of:

Bland Marketing: That marketing activity where absolutely lifeless brand advertising is perpetrated on the public because it’s “in line with the brand vision” — a listless messaging document produced by a committee of no-talents that guarantees (or justifies) Bland Marketing. (Honk if this has ever happened to you.)

Any new entries from the Undergrounders? Why wait until 2008 to do the important work?

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Posted in Underground Entertainment, Writing.