Despite being mangled by entitled hipsters too lazy to pick up a dictionary, the English language clearly isn’t evolving quickly enough to accommodate the needs of the online world.
For example, we’re writing with the same dusty old punctuation marks we’ve been using for hundreds of years, and simply put, they just don’t seem cool enough anymore.
Fortunately, College Humor saw the problem and created 8 New Punctuation Marks We Desperately Need. Frankly, I’m on board.
Consider the jaw-dropping utility of the Sinceriod, Sarcastises, and my personal favorite, the Einstein-level-brilliant Morgan Freemark:
The Morgan Freemark
The Sarcastises
The Sinceriod
Suddenly, we don’t have to be better writers than those who came before us; we’ll enjoy the talent-deficit-erasing benefits of better punctuation.
For that matter, imagine a whole series of actor marks similar to the Morgan Freemark.
Feeling presidential? Wrap that copy in the Martin Sheenmark.
Want more oomph? Try the Marlon Brandmarks.
You know that vacuous, insincere personal essay? Just append a pair of Ryan Seacrestmarks and you’re gold.
The mind boggles. The fingers tremble. The lips part.
Can’t wait for this hot new punctuation to enter the mainstream? Download a font containing these marks here.
Here at the Underground we’re excited to bring you tomorrow’s punctuation today (in many cases, you’re getting it well before lunch).
Keep writing (but don’t bother with all that old skool punctuation), Tom Chandler.
FANTASTIC! (or should that be FANTASTIC!!!?) I never knew how to deal with the old stuff anyway. Should I use a colon or a semi-colon? Hell, just throw in a dash – forget about it. But now emotimarks? No need for context. Nice…
Keep leading the way, Tom.
Mike Sepelak(Quote) (Reply)
[sarcastises]Gosh, that’s probably the most useful, helpful, insightful comment ever![/sacrcastises]
For some it’s a calling. For others, it’s a burden. For me, it’s mostly a way to avoid work.
TC(Quote) (Reply)
I nominate the “frontline,” which confers instant gravitas, unimpeachable honesty, and implied profound consequence to something because it’s read in the voice of the Frontline guy (Will Lyman, aka “White Throat”).
\_Ultimately, he decided on the chicken pomodoro._/
Paul Lagasse(Quote) (Reply)
I would have guessed you for more of a Creditype man (the punctuation that says you read the next passage as if it were written on a typewriter — with all the retrogrouch-esque credibility it implies).
TC(Quote) (Reply)