I get several every week — those irritating emails suggesting the writer is breathlessly awaiting the chance to write a custom post for my blog.
Because I’d rather not channel Google Juice to spammers and those too lazy to accumulate SEO results the old fashioned way, I ignore them.
Ken White — who writes intelligently about legal issues on the Popehat blog — doesn’t ignore them.
He mocks them. Brilliantly.
In fact, he’s clearly America’s Foremost Troll Of Those Annoying People Who Insist On Writing Crappy Articles For Your Blog.
To whit, enjoy this passage from the middle of a recent response detailing the urgent need for an article about The Pony Menace (“Writ of Pony”):
Meggie, can you write about how land use jurisprudence can be employed to stand against the Pony Menace?
To date our feeble, milky courts have failed me, Meggie. When I come to them asking that they issue writs prohibiting the presence of ponies in our community, they scoff and demand that I produce “evidence.” When I produce it — in heaps, in great drifts of paper, in reams, Meggie — the judges step closer to their bailiffs and say that I have not produced evidence of the nuisance caused by the specific pony I am complaining about.
This suicidal punctiliousness will spell our doom, Meggie. Specific evidence? Ludicrous! If I proposed to place a loaded handgun into the hands of a sweet young child, would you hem and haw and say “well, that particular handgun has not been proven to be dangerous.” NO! You would snatch the handgun away and hustle the child off to some safe linen closet or attic space. Read Marcus Aurelius, Meggie. “This thing, what is it in itself, in its own constitution? What is its substance and material? And what its causal nature? And what is it doing in the world?” Ponies are in this world to rend, Meggie. They are in themselves death, and with them comes the substance and material of misery, and suffering, and hoofprints on the carpet.
Even better (though it’s difficult to judge genius) is his prior Ponies for the Pony God post, which frankly deserves a frame and a place in the Smithsonian.
As copywriters, we typically write serious stuff for serious people. This is anything but that.
Keep writing (about the looming threat from ponies), Tom Chandler.